TARA THE TYRANT: a composition of cancer
I wonder what Tara Rene Jones will be known by someday in the ring. Once she is well and is ready to fight for pleasure again. We talk a lot about her love of MMA. She laughed at me today as I curled my hair to go out to the grocery store to buy meat. “You remind me of my mom. She would primp in front of the mirror and I remember being young, running with my mouth open to ask her a question only to find myself eating hairspray as I came up behind her. Yuck.”
Her memory pained me because her mother is dead. I didn’t let it show. “I’m sorry, but I need to look pretty for my meat.” I beamed at her as I moved the can of spray like a halo feeling a pang of guilt knowing that my vanity was exposing my sick friend to toxic chemicals. I dug my grave in shallow when I then asked, “Are you dying?”
Tara laughed, “Not today……”
Yes, I am the woman who asks a cancer patient if she is going to croak. What can I say other than I am retarded.
Tara told me that her biggest fear is that her boyfriend may lose his attraction for her while she’s sick, not wanting to touch her. The picture below was one of the least flattering from the session but I chose it because of what it is, COURAGE. It has the most visible documentation of her symptoms, from the lesions on her skin, the lumpy protrusion of her port, down to the two scars in close proximity to each tattoo. The ink is the art of her children, in namesake, Justise and Maddox. She fights for them and her body is a battleground…
I am also going to mention for the sake of vanity that Tara DOES have breasts; I just posed her poorly and the effect was quite severe. Poignantly so.
DEAR TARA……….
You’ve gotta get up and TRY!
Dear Tara Rene Jones,
“Let me tell you something that you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody, is going to hit as hard as life, but it ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done.”
It’s just cancer Tara. People beat it everyday. People do win.
People die too…..
I heard the phone ringing, but decided not to answer. I was running late already though the gym wasn’t exactly an appointment. It was my obligation, a promise to myself. I would give myself one hour, one of twenty four, and on this particular day my hour was five o’clock. The phone was ringing insistently, calling again instead of leaving a message. I doubled back to pick up.
“Well…. I’m all filled up with poison….” he sounded weak, even in brief introduction. “How is that rubber chicken of yours?”
His voice froze time and I was suddenly present, at once tender. I had almost forgotten chemo. “RUBBER is in the car, ready to hit the gym with me. So they packed you full of poison. How did chemo go?”
I have always appreciated pictures that tell the truth. My mother died of lung cancer a year and a half ago and I forced myself to look at the picture of her with baby bird hair and exposed scalp. It was the least I could do. I needed to see her “through” the picture, but appreciate her circumstance.
I thank you too for writing!I’m sorry about your mother’s passing. Death seems like one of those things that everyone knows will happen but is always surprised when it does! I lost my mother at the age of 18. If one thing i learned form her sudden passing is it is important story or legend you leave behind. I owe all of my strength and everything i am to her strength. Life isn’t fair and doesn’t always work the way we hope but it is what we do once life put’s on our ass! Do we allow the situation to determine the rest of our life our do we accept things even if we don’t always understand and persevere! My goal is to inspire people cancer or no cancer that as amber states it so well the life we live is a choice! I have two beautiful children i choose to be a sold example of courage and Carpe Diem every moment i am here on earth breathing! Cause the truth is we really don’t know when it could be our last! So i take each day, Day by day and enjoy the simple things and notice the details that can sometimes be missed in this so rushed over stimulated world! Life can be beautiful if you allow it! Thank you again for your story! Tara
Oh, that seemed very callous and I didn’t mean it to. I’m sorry. You might want to delete it. It’s just that I was the ONLY person in our family to talk with my mother about the possibility of her dying. She was very thankful that I didn’t let my fear override her needs. She wanted to talk about it and not hide her head in the sand or hear one more person say, “Just stop thinking about it. It’s not going to happen.”
You are an angel for commenting and for sharing your memory and perspective. I don’t want to delete your first comment and it did NOT seem callous at all. Death is a real possibility when you have cancer and I DO think about it when I am with my friend Tara (age 28). Almost all of the people I have photographed with cancer are now deceased…. all but two.
She agreed to share her story because she wanted to inspire people with the truth. Her truth (I am speaking for her) is that she faces death by living her best life.
You carry your mother’s legacy in the life you now live yourself. Thank you for writing and for reading.
What do I feel about the news the doctor told me Thursday? Hmmmmm! Socked,Happy,Re leaved, Sad, Lucky, Stronger,Curious. You have to understand that the day I found out I had cancer I was told on the phone at work. “You have cancer” just like that. I do believe he was trying to explain other things in doctor fashion but all that registered in my mind was “you have cancer”. And there i was on a new journey i didn’t ask to do on no directions were to go. Like stumbling to find a light in a dark room. I was a added number to numbers of other people fighting everyday for there life that had cancer. When i broke the news to other people in my life that had cancer they almost rejoice stating for are now part of a club that only we understood. Still all that played over and over in my head is “you have cancer.” Losing my mother to early in life and having two beautiful children that are my world cancer was not apart of my agenda.
I planed on out leaving my mother and becoming the grandma she couldn’t be! You don’t think about death much until you are faced with it. Like i have said before everyone wants to say you will beat this. I would be naive not to think of the possibilities of death. You look at you life a lot differently and think about all the things you should of done better or all the things that you still want to accomplish! You think about what kind of person you have been and what will people say about you when you are gone. What legacy did you leave with? Life is funny! You have to just sit back and laugh at life’s irony’s.I just found irony in the fact i was diagnosed in the same month my cancer in recognized for in Sep. I was diagnosed with the same cancer my mother had been running marathons for. As my daughter put the connection to out last name is Hodge so she even asked if that meant she was going to have Hodgkin’s. My sign is cancer. I am a runner and one of the medicines I am given should prevent me from running but i still continue to do so! It was my personal goal to fight as a women in the MMA sport that I had been starting to train for, now turned into a different battle for life. I always as a little girl thought I was always being prepared for something great just never new what maybe it was for this point in my life. It is my promise to Myself my God My family and loved ones to my mom that if I survive this that I will put this battle into a purpose don’t now what. As i reflect on the journey I have been on I am humbled that at any time we can be brought to our knees at a stand still! The one thing i have learned from in my life is that what defines us is how well we rise after falling! Al long this journey i appreciate the unexpected surprises of the power the human spirit! All the support I was given to motivate me to not give up. All my solid foundations that never left my side. I truly believe God brings special people in to your life a certain times for a reasons! It is with these wonderful spirits in my life that March doesn’t see so far off. I look at March like a finish line to any race i might of been in. I plan on mustering all the strength i have left to sprint to the end every step closer knowing i will have this behind me. Crossing the finish line arm open knowing i did it with every one i love at the end! What motivates me even more is the wonderful news i was given by the doctor The cancer is GONE! After nine appointments wit chemo it is working! Just like a forest fire after it has been put out. The potential embers that may start again linger. I look at this next 3 months as that cleaning the embers away! THIS GIRL’S STORY ISN’T READY TO BE DONE YET, I STILL GOT A LOT MORE FIGHT IN ME!
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Amber you are right the Life we live is a choice and “I DECIDE I’M NOT DONE LIVING IT”!
You are a strong beautiful young women, inside and out. I am so proud of you.
Debbie!! How crappy is it that I am just now replying to your comment. I felt so guilty later, after seeing you on Tara’s last day of treatment, because I didn’t realize it was you writing, nor did I reply. I have yet to write all that I would say about my friend Tara, and her journey through cancer. The disease is more than familiar to me by how many I have lost over the years. Tara was one of two to survive, the rest did not. You make a difference in the way you treat people. I can tell you that. Tara needed personal care, love beyond medicine, and you were one of the nurses to give that gift. Thank you for being you, and for your choice to help heal. I am proud of you for your fitness (Curves is great gym), and humbled by your soul. It was a joy to meet you, and I hope life brings me the fortune of seeing you again in friendship.
Much Love and Many Blessings,
Amber Garibay