I spent the day writing, and I fear that I might have an addiction. I do hope you will help me make this whole blogging thing a paying gig because I can’t quite seem to give it up, and it consumes a great deal of my time. Thank you for filling my head with ideas, but can you please tell me what I am supposed to do with them?

I sometimes think about casting you out for all the trouble you cause. You gave me a life so colorful that I can’t even write about it with full honesty, but I am so proud of it. I can’t thank you enough for the people you bring into my life, though I spent a good deal of this day crying over how much they sometimes hurt my heart, but then I allow it with my choice to care. I wouldn’t change any of it, save me, please allow me the exception of continued growth.

The older I get the more I feel like my life is contrived, set on a predestined course, laced by free choice. I wrote about opportunity today as I wondered about how many I myself have squandered. Sharon Diaz had been telling me about The Empower Network for months, boasting that she brought in nearly $700 last month as a blogger. Nat Jackson sold me on the benefits of USANA Nutrients nearly six months ago, a product that I could easily market because I believe in it and use it myself.  Monique Weidrich told me about a social media marketing position that includes medical benefits last week and I have yet to create my resume….

You keep handing me the tools. Why can’t I pick them up? Are my meant to?

I am at a stage of unrest right now, by how many things are uncertain, and my faith is tested daily. I never question you; believing in you is the easiest thing in the world because you are not here to deny. I question myself however, my own choices. I want them all to be right, but I know that they can’t be. I keep looking around for signs because I know that they are there. You sent me a whole bunch today, letting me know that I am, in fact, on the right path and exactly where I need to be.

You sent me a message via Edi Kimball who is smashing her own personal bests in fitness while setting new goals for herself. She asked me if I would help her celebrate her hard work with a photoshoot in the near future. Yes… I want to be a part of that.

You sent me Marisa Rota Noonan who is also aiming high with her goals and working hard in the gym, while she balances a busy family and career. I will get to work with her again as her photographer in the coming months. She wrote to say that she enjoyed her brussel sprouts and pork loin which was the tip I had to help her on her way, “Lots of lean protein and vegetables.” I was feeling defeated until I saw her note. She is pushing herself to win, so will I.

You sent me Dani Hatcher who didn’t make yoga, but ran instead, and Sapphire Garibay who showed up to yoga class even though she was not feeling well, coasting on too little sleep. She is eleven and already devoted to her own health.

You sent me Kristin Rivas who won’t be able to make Zumba this Tuesday because of sick children and a husband who needs her to be there with them. She will continue working toward the success of her fitness goals from home, via video, because it is the best fit for her family. She is making it work despite obstacles; as am I.

You sent me Stephanie Bush who wants to work out with me as well, inquiring about the next mud run which I will gladly stomp through.

Then there was the post on facebook by Shawna Lane’s husband Toby. She is not doing so well after chemo, and he is beside himself by how badly he wishes he could help her, by how deeply he loves her….

“Shawna Lane update: She had treatment Friday and the pain has been fairly bearable until this afternoon her condition has deteriorated and the pain is unbearable So would you please keep her in your prayers tonight that the pain wood subside and she could sleep I will update again tomorrow.”

You gave her that disease didn’t you, God? Multiple Sclerosis was your plan for her to suffer endlessly? Why?? So I could meet her and write that story…. Is the same true of Tara Rene Jones and her cancer or do you intend to make her well?

LOVE is choosing to be there through pain and suffering, through the lowest of the low. That is what Shawna Lane’s  torment reminded me of today, the value of true love and the importance of that choice. I want to find someone that I know will never give up on me because my body will someday fail me and so will his. I want to find someone who loves me enough to take care of himself so that I don’t have to, knowing that I would devote myself to the cause should fortune turn. Love is a lot to ask of a person, almost impossibly so.

Well God, It is now 10:15 at night and I’ve gotta crash soon. I try not to sleep because I know that is when you perform your lobotomies, implanting new dreams in my head. I have enough on my plate. Look at all you have given me in just this one day.

I am behind again, with work, mostly because of the opportunities that I am taking advantage of. Everything I wrote to you in this letter will come to fruition. I see progress with each new day and I am already profiting from my writing. I see people succeeding because I am daring to, or maybe I am winning because they let me, by holding me up. I needed every single one of the gifts you sent me today because the coolest mother f*cker on the planet is too busy. I am chuckling because I have no idea what you are thinking in regards to my love life, God.  Some of the sh*t you have handed me has been unbelievable.

You sent me a pretty boy who would rather hang out with two pussies (of the feline persuasion) than enjoy the privilege of mine, company that is. NO CATS: see allergies and asthma. (thanks God). You sent me a fifty two year old Italian widow who’s wife died of cancer. Unfortunately you blessed him with a phallus that should be sold in sex shops and I do believe he is using it in each city he flies to weekly. He was the first that I dated from Millonaire match. You really blessed that man God. I am just saying. I do not think I have ever yelled your name so loud in my entire life. You sent me a guy who ran away. He disappeared like he was in the witness protection plan after I decided that I was crazy about him. Someone should probably send out a missing person’s report. Attention Chad Peterson manager at Fred Myers. Have you been captured and beheaded by Alkita? Or did my vagina smell like brussel sprouts? I really didn’t mind eating canned chili………

Then there was the guy that wanted to share me sexually though we hadn’t even kissed. We weren’t even halfway through dinner on our first date and he was imploring me to keep an open mind about my sexuality.  God????? What do you have in mind for me????

SERIOUSLY!!!!! These are the men I am attracted to?? WTF!!!

It’s 10:56 pm and am busting the f*ck up at how funny my life is. A lawyer from Rhode Island wrote to me the other day, inquiring as to my interest and the possibility that I would consider him as potential. He went on to say that he can only imagine the volumes of messages that I get and how difficult a choice it would be to even know who to respond to. He nailed it on head and I wrote him back to say that he had a 0% chance with me because I had already met the coolest mother f*cker on the planet, I was invested in someone, then I remembered that he told me that he wasn’t……

“It’s not you, It’s me…”

THANKS GOD!!! Really?? REALLY, REALLY, REALLY????

“You have a 0% chance with me. Here’s my number. Feel free to call if you think you can change your odds.”

Goodnight and Amen.