Are there any real people left or have we sold our souls for plastic? Visa or Mastercard?
Honest. I want to be honest, respectfully. I want to live a life of sincerity able to stand in front of any and all unashamed of what I am and what I’ve done.
I am not ashamed. I can be honest… but… no one who loves me wants me to be. “Please Amber. I know you love to write but please protect yourself first. Image is everything. You need to think about that. You own a business….”
Yes! Yes, I do own a business and it is growing quickly now that I FINALLY have a studio again. Yay! :) :)
Let’s talk about image because I agree about the importance. My ex- boyfriend, Joshua Nicholas, called me up a few days back to ask me to remove any blogs that may have mentioned him. It turns out that the chick he is trying to sleep with reads my blog and she was more than concerned about the last blog I wrote. She should be and that’s what I told him.
“Good. I hope she runs the other way screaming.”
“Amber… that’s not fair” was his plea “I want to find love and I am really sorry that you are not the one but I deserve to be happy. Please do not take that chance away from me with your writing. She thinks I beat you…”
Josh never beat me. He was far worse than that. What he did was far worse than anything anyone has ever done to me. That is the truth about Josh. Maybe I should warn her and I bet you are wondering what he did.
I wouldn’t worry about what he did. I would focus on my choice in him because it was the worst choice I have ever made in my entire life. He is the only person I have ever met that I will never ever forgive and I am not worried about the toxicity of holding on to hate because I don’t hate him. I hate knowing that he is going to severely damage people with his selfishness and they will let him just like I did.
His image is sweet and sensitive, caring and handsome. That image is not real. He is a nice surface but the rest I imagined. It was false. The decisions I made in regards to seeing him were based on the person he presented (image) and not the truth of what and who he is. “This is my life too Amber. I don’t want to be written about and I warned you.”
Yes, he warned me about himself. He did. He warned me in the beginning but all I could see was what I thought was a fabulous person who just needed a chance and someone to love him unconditionally. His last wife left him shortly after their dream wedding in Cabo and when I met him he was still devastated. He loved her very, very much. I remember feeling so bad for him. I related because I am still aching over the end of my marriage and I have been divorced for… two years now?
This blog that I am writing… “I don’t want to be written about Amber.”
No one in my life should be written about especially in a way that could potentially damage. I understand that you no longer want to be written about Josh but just as you warned me in the beginning about you- you also knew that I write. I don’t care about what you want anymore. I have to live with the damage that you created and you can live with mine.
I am your fourth wife. King Henry who kills all.
I would not date Josh Nicholas nor would I trust him as someone capable of good. I see the good in everyone. It’s proven by my reputation which is far different than image. My good-bye to him included the stone cold face of, “I hope you spend the rest of your life alone without love. You shouldn’t have what you will kill.”
“That’s evil Amber..” he said showing pain for the sorry of self. “How can you say that to me and call yourself a good person. You are not as nice as everyone thinks you are.”
“I don’t need to be nice to you Josh. I owe you nothing close to that courtesy. I’d treat my worst enemy better that I would treat you considering that is how you treated me. Fair? You won’t ever hear from me again nor will I acknowledged your ghost. No… I won’t write about you. “
I am not a perfect person and the blog above isn’t fair. I don’t have the right to be disparaging to a person’s moment in time, weakness, in a way that does not encourage growth with room for forgiveness. A person without hope is dead and I was nearly that last night. I was hopeless. Josh took that from me. Hope. I called my family one by one and I told them good-bye and then I drove to the store. To my mom I said, “Don’t you get it. I don’t care about you. You failed. This is your fault. To my brother…. he said it first…”Go ahead and do it. I am tired of waiting for you to die of hurt.” I hung up on him. Dad number two called before dad number one. To him I said, “F*ck you. I called you last week to ask for help and you told me not in a million years.” I hung up on him too. Ricardo was the first person I called shattered. Ex husband. Ex life. “You were supposed to keep me safe. You promised for life. I wasn’t safe and he destroyed me.” My dad called while the sirens blared. I could hear the police outside my apartment. I went to hide in the bathroom. The floor was cold so I held myself round, a little ball in the corner whispering to my dad. “I can’t….”
“You are having a hard time kiddo. I know..” he was the gentle of never and first. “We are not a lot the was dealt easy Amber but you are too strong to be taken by anything. Tough as nails with heart. You have what can not be taught and it is special. You were the little girl I couldn’t drag away from homeless people. I was always screaming at you because I swear you’d trust anyone to go with them. Not all people are good. I am sorry that life has to teach you that but that is what I’ve been trying to tell you. There are people who will kill you just because they can and some enjoy watching the ending.”
“I feel like I am choking on misery dad because everyone tells me that and I can’t help myself. I am open like a book spilled with red ink and a page torn on two endings. Belief of death. Don’t you understand that I need to believe that people can do the right thing. I expect them to and why should it be shocking that there is a hurt that distinguishes or a strain that includes a crushing blow. Enough… I have had enough.”
“One more day Amber. Tomorrow will be better and there is so much joy separate from what you see yourself stuck with. I understand honey. Trust me. I understand that it is crap and I am sorry but this is nothing. You can’t be anything less than powerful. You are force and I understand you think that Josh did something great to harm you but he didn’t. He was never close enough to touch the happy that you are when life is rolling and for you it does. This is you climbing and that business of yours is going to have you up and rockin’ with everything you want because we are the kind that makes it. You want it more than anybody and I understand that you frustrated but stop acting like a spoiled brat. You don’t like me to sugar coat things and the way I see it you and Josh are better off parting off friends…”
“He is not my friend.”
“Fine.. but remember your dear old dad is wise. I am thinking about you not him.”
“You are wise dad and that’s why I should have listened to you when I came to talk to you about Josh in the beginning. You told me and I didn’t listen. My friend Gina loves you. She told me that I should follow all of your advice.”
“Tell Gina that I said thank you for loving me because she is right and you never do.”
True love is the advice of dad.
I spoke with my dad, my friend Gina, and Heidi Livingston about the blog and the new success of too many ventures. My dad… “The first thing you need to do is prioritize. You will succeed where you are focused. Your business is the prize. You are so close. Why would you want to give up so close to the finish? Josh… The two of you were running side by side in a race and he stuck his foot to trip you. You fell. You have blood in your teeth. You can’t see from a gash on your head and the air is no longer there but we are there on all sides pointing you to the finish. People are booking sessions with you aren’t they…. aren’t they!” My dad was laughing with glee.
“Yes dad. Yes they are.”
“SEE!” he was ecstatic.
Gina sat across from me just about an hour before I went into the store. I told her that I was going home to sleep but then I was back in the race with Josh and I started to panic. He was winning at love and I would never have it. My conversation with her came before and after this epilogue and if you are confused let me be clear. Gina and I were also talking about business and strength triangulated by the pressures of so much life and “Can I see you more friend and we should collaborate on marketing. Wanna grab a glass of wine?”
Heidi Livingston was one I called to say good-bye to, another out of order, but then the message is what I want clear. I have friends, and many, many, many, many people who love me and would they all do anything should I ask…. I never do. I never ask but Heidi shows up anyway, day or night, in the middle of every pressure or any crisis that could be her life but it’s not nor is mine. Gina is that exact kind of friend.
I WILL NOT LIVE A LIFE OF CHAOS. I AM NOT A CRISIS. I DEMAND THE STABILITY OF ORDER.
Simple as that. My tantrum was that with the stomp of….
LISTEN UP YOU WHO LOVE ME. I NEED YOU TO HELP ME WIN BECAUSE I’VE GOT SAILS TO THE WIND AND THE STORM IS CHASING A SHIP WITH AN ANCHOR DROPPED TOO LOW. WITH YOU I HAVE ENOUGH HANDS TO PULL IT UP.
I called the police.
I had to. I had to call them back to tell them I was OK because I wasn’t coming out and they couldn’t come get me. “Are you a danger to yourself?”
“We need you to come in so that we can see that you are OK.”
“That’s fine but I don’t need to listen. If you want to help me quit pulling over my red mustang.”
CHAD’S THE DAD
My life is private from this day forth. I will not have anymore episodes like the one that changed my life and it is different now much like the character’s in my first book. Chad’s The Dad.
The book is fiction.
I have only been pregnant once.
I lived for her… Sapphire Rain.
The girl who commits suicide is the main character of Chad’s The Dad. I’ve written chapter one and chapter two already. The second has her pregnant and contemplating abortion….
The novel will end with her death. I do hope you read it when I publish.
My life is private by preference, peace, and with forgiveness. I am sorry Josh. Maybe they will think the first part is fiction
Thank you for your business. It is the world to me.
Life beyond plastic
I take Visa and Mastercard
My best with smiles,
THE LIFE YOU LIVE IS A CHOICE
For a second opinion about Josh… ask his first wife. She believes in his good. I don’t need to.